Thursday, August 28, 2008

This semester is a mess.

We have an instructor that I don't mind, but is a little daft at times. Muriel seems like she is 4'8" (not really, but seems like it), not too worried about using the correct terms (like using semesters instead of trimesters), and is as blind as a bat. BUT, she can be as funny as shit, intentionally and unintentionally.

The unintentional: A friend of mine volunteered to assist her in front of the class in a demonstration. Muriel spent the rest of the class calling her by my name.

The intentional: "Don't fix separate foods for your toddlers just because they are picky eaters. My mother-in-law did that it and it took years to train my husband."

Don't confuse her with the facts. Everything needs to be Muriel's way, even if it contradicts the book and other literature.

It's going to be an interesting semester.

Saturday, August 23, 2008

How did we ever survive

According to the lectures I had this week, myself and countless others should be incredibly brain damaged. This is because mothers* of my age group did the following:

  • Smoked while pregnant and after hatching
  • Drank while pregnant and after hatching
  • Drank Coffee, Tea, Coke, Pepsi, Tab
  • Bottle Fed
Throw in the fact that I probably ate some lead paint along the way and it is a wonder I don't need a telethon.


* I'm not implying my mother or your mother did any of the following... I'm just saying.

Friday, August 22, 2008

The strangest Beanie Baby ever created

We learned about breastfeeding this week, so our instructor brought in a (I giggle at the word) manipulative. It looked like a Beanie Baby.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

All Men are Preschoolers

I don't like to make general statements like the one in the title, but I think it is appropriate based on two things I learned in lecture.

1. Preschoolers want things how they want them. End of story.
2. Preschoolers are proud of their penises. Enough said.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Adult Temper Tantrum

My last day of my externship was a very interesting one. When the 42 year old in chronic afib who refuses to take his Coumadin because it is "rat poison" (no shit Sherlock) is the least interesting of your patients, then it has been an interesting day.

One patient we had was a woman in her early 50's who was released one morning and came back later the next day for the same kind of pain she had been told was not a heart attack and that Ibuprofen would relieve. So naturally, the MD told her that she would be weaned off of morphine and that she would not get any Phenergan at all, but if she actually threw up she would get Zofran. Soccer Nurse and I stood outside her door and heard the MD explain all of this to her, then the MD came out and discussed everything with us, especially her drug seeking behavior and not to call him for any additional morphine because she wasn't going to get it from him. We smiled and said it wasn't a problem.

The next four hours were filled her calling for "something for her stomach." Naturally, she didn't get anything because she didn't throw up. So lunch time rolls around and we get another call from her. We walk in and on the floor there are peas and potatoes scattered all over.

Soccer Nurse asked what she needed and she said my favorite quote of the summer," I throwed up." Soccer Nurse walked gingerly through the minefield of peas and potatoes and asked where she threw up. She pointed at the floor and said as if we were dumbasses, "I throwed up there on the floor."

It was obvious that this woman took her spoon and threw food from her lunch tray onto the floor. Soccer Nurse pointed out that there was no way that could have been in her stomach because it was intact and no stomach fluids were seen. I think he threw in a comment about doubting she swallowed her food whole without chewing, but I may be making that part up.

I loved working with Soccer Nurse for so many reasons and his lecture to her about her behavior was priceless. He made it clear that what she did wasn't acceptable, nor was he fooled by her claims, so no, she wasn't getting any Zofran. He also pointed out she created a safety hazard with the food on the floor and now he had to call someone to clean it up. He was calm, professional and stern. It was FABULOUS! I on the other hand stood there with my eyes wide open trying not to say, "WTF do you think you are doing? If you are going to drug seek, don't do it for Zofran."

It was my first and not last Adult Temper Tantrum.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

"Knee-Deep"

First Day

Lecture Topic: Pediatric Assessment

Subtopic: Genital Assessment

Suggestion: Have naked child sit like a frog in order to assess genitals

Conclusion by fellow student: Sign me up as a sex offender just by hearing the suggestion

Smart Ass Comment by my Husband: "So she is asking the kid to go 'Knee-Deep?'"

Sunday, August 17, 2008

And so it begins again...

Last Thursday was our big orientation day. Compared to our other orientation days, it was a walk in the park. In fact, I don't understand why we even had to show up since we could have had one big conference call in our PJ's and it would have been more productive.

This semester is going to be the necessary evil for me. I have to have the material in order to take the NCLEX, but I don't give a rats ass about it. HOWEVER, a majority of my classmates are salivating at the thought of everything we get to do this semester. Either they want to work Labor and Misery (I mean delivery) or do some type of pediatrics.

I spend the first 4 weeks of clinicals in the newborn nursery. Most people in my class would be thrilled because they get to hold babies, I'm not one of them. I think the biggest adjustment I will have to make is working with people who are healthy and I can drop.

I already miss my dirty old men.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

FOS

FOS = Full of Shit

It's a real life nursing diagnosis. You get this label if you come into the hospital complaining of chest pain, but really you are just constipated.

I was surprised this summer that we averaged at least one FOS per week.

So what happens to you if you are an FOS patient. The following are included in your stay:
Chest X-ray
Cardiac Monitoring
Nuclear Stress Test
Cardiac Enzymes
Colace

Now please choose at least two from the following menu:
Cardiac Echo
Abdominal Echo
Abdominal CT - getting to drink that yummy Crystal Light flavored contrast
Abdominal X-Ray
Additional Blood Work

Depending on the results will get you any one or more of the following:

Mild
Glycerin Suppository

Moderate
Fleets Enema

Industrial Strength
SMOG Enema
Manual disimpaction by a really pissed off nurse*

Luckily no one required the Industrial Strength this summer.

*Why a pissed off nurse? Because no one I met this summer would have been happy to stick their finger up someone "who could have avoided this by eating fiber" rectum.

Friday, August 15, 2008

McDonald's All-American

This summer I joined a gym in order to help lose weight and avoid being one of the people that I have seen in the hospital this summer.

I knew that I had sit through a sales pitch at the gym, but what I didn't expect was the sales guy wanting me to listen to his "story."

So picture it, I'm sitting in this cramped office in this gym while this fairly in shape guy leans in closer to tell me his story of woe.

He starts off by saying that he's had a tough journey on the roaid to fitness and he started it by saying he was a McDonald's All American.

Keep in mind - I think he is about to tell me something like "I was 400 lbs and was about to die because I was being smothered by my own weight."

So when he said McDonald's All American - I thought he meant that he ate a lot of McDonald's. So I naturally started laughing.

He was offended and asked me what I was laughing at - so I told him that I thought he ate a lot of McDonald's. After he wiped the "I've got a crazy white girl in my office" look from his face, he laughed and explained to me what the hell a McDonald's All American meant.

He made the sale, but I avoid him like a Big Mac when I am in there.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Dirty Old Man

This summer Soccer Nurse (my preceptor) and I had a client that was a self described "dirty old man." I didn't give to much credence to his claims, because to me he really wasn't that outrageous. He did give me one of my favorite quotes of the summer. He felt that his manhood was a bit lacking, so he told me "One inch shorter and I'd be a lesbian."

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Crackhead Calendar

Dear Crackhead,

If you smoke crack, it will constrict your blood vessels, which may induce chest pain. If we ask you, "When was the last time you smoked crack?" don't answer "a while." "A while" to most people may mean something like 3-4 months ago, not 30 minutes.

Thank you

CathyXIs, Student Nurse

Saturday, August 9, 2008

Standing up for the "Little Guy"

Oh CNN how I love you this morning. You brought me a newstory that warms my heart and renews my faith in my own ability to sniff out bullshit.

I have never trusted John Edwards. From the moment he bought the Senate primary election in NC I knew that he was the epitome of a politician, someone only looking out for his own interests. He is the man that repeatedly told the voters of NC that he wasn't interested in running for President, he wanted to serve his constituents, and then he turned around and ran for president. He's the man that told his presidential supporters that he wouldn't accept a place on the ticket with John Kerry, and then he took it. He is the man that told the laid off workers of Pillowtex in Kannapolis that he would help them in anyway he could, but failed to mention that his vote in Congress to establish free trade relations with China may have been a rung in the ladder that led to their situation.

Now he has admitted to an affair back in 2006.

The article mentions that he "had campaigned on the message that he was standing up for the little guy" I think we now know which little guy was standing up.

Friday, August 8, 2008

The Summer is Over

I haven't been that motivated to write lately. Call it enjoying the summer, being too tired, not giving a shit, what have you.

It is probably better that I've let my summer stories simmer a while. I can write them with a little perspective and hopefully humor.

I finished my PNA program a couple of days ago. I had an AWESOME experience. I give full credit to my preceptor, Soccer Nurse (he coaches his son's soccer team). Not only is he a great time manager, nurse and human being... he also homebrews.

That's one bony elbow

CNN is carrying a story about a flight attendant who was assaulted by a passenger over liquid on an armrest. The flight attendant is suing the assaulter, who happens to be the wife of a preacher of one of these mega-churches.

The flight attendant says "she suffers from anxiety and hemorrhoids because of the incident"... she got elbowed by a mega-church soccer mom, where the hell did she hit her that hemorrhoids were a complication?

Eat some damn fiber and ya'll grow the hell up.